The Interrupting Cow Rule: The Fastest Way to Ruin a Difficult Conversation

Knock knock.Who’s there?

The interrupting cow.

The interrupting cow—MOOOOOO!

If you’ve ever told that joke, you already understand the power of interruption. The joke is still funny, but interrupting isn’t. Unfortunately, many of us bring that same habit into real conversations, especially difficult ones. And when emotions are already high, interruptions can derail a conversation before it even has a chance to succeed.

As an off-the-chart extrovert, I’ve been guilty of being a dreaded interrupter. Sigh. It’s embarrassing. When it happens, I stop, apologize, and make sure the other person has a chance to finish their thought. I’m not alone. According to a research project by linguist Adrienne Hancock, an average of 1.8 to 2.9 interruptions occur during a three-minute conversation. While Hancock’s research focused on gender differences, I’m more interested in the interruptions themselves, especially during difficult conversations.

I’m continually surprised by how resistant people are to having a difficult conversation. A client of mine, Susan, noticed she hadn’t heard from a close friend for a few days. She called a couple of times—no reply. She texted—still nothing. A few more days passed, and Susan tried again, with the same result.

At that point, most people would have stopped trying, and no one would have blamed her. But after a few more days, Susan sent one more text, still unsure what was wrong. This time she got a reply: “I’m so glad you texted. I’ve wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how.”

My heart breaks for someone like this who is so scared of a difficult conversation that she can’t even text a good friend when something is wrong. If Susan hadn’t been persistent about reaching out past what was reasonable, that relationship probably would have ended. The moral of this story is that people really have trouble talking to each other during conflict, and it takes almost nothing for people to head to the caves of silence because they are afraid of what might happen. We all know it’s easier to avoid someone than to actually talk.

If you are lucky enough to get to have the conversation, interruptions are going to shut things down pretty quickly, considering someone’s intense reluctance to talk with you. In every conversation, there are at least two levels of content: the first is informational, and the second is relational. Every message is accompanied by information about the relationship. Interruptions convey a pretty strong message that “What I have to say is more important.”

Now, not all interruptions are malicious. Some people interrupt as an impulse because they are out-loud thinkers. Some are “helping” tell the story. I often see this between close friends or couples, generally accompanied by a good bit of irritation from the “helped.” Just last week, I conducted a listening training session. With about 30 people in the room, I had to rein in the interrupting multiple times before chaos took over the room, induced by all the helping. Still others just have a slower or quicker pace of speaking, which dictates turn-taking norms. Gender and power are in the mix as well.

When someone finally agrees to have a difficult conversation, the stakes are already high. If you want that conversation to succeed, there is one discipline that matters more than most: let people finish their thoughts. Also consider the fact that we often have this flawed win/lose mentality during a conflict, and interruptions can turn from a simple bad habit to hand grenades, exploding the conversation to a violent level when someone hears this message, “What I have to say is more important; I’m going to win.” What people need to hear is, “You are important to me. I want to understand and desperately want to preserve this relationship.” Say this out loud and watch things change.

Being disciplined about interrupting will go a long way toward communicating this message. It’s harder. It takes longer. And it’s exactly what mature communicators do.

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