Ouch!

I was lying in the dentist’s chair a while back, waiting to get a tooth repaired after part of it chipped off. The dentist told me about the deadening shot and forthcoming repair work; I know the routine. While having two people and a bunch of equipment in my mouth is not my favorite, I’m composed. The work begins.

I’m watching the TV mounted parallel to my body for easy viewing. What a cushy life we lead these days if you have dental insurance. Then I heard my dentist asking me if I’m ok, and he’s genuinely concerned. With the best enunciation possible, considering all that stuff in my mouth, I communicate that I’m fine. Why is he so concerned? I’m being obedient and even endured the shot without making a sound. Then I notice that I'm gripping the arms of the chair,

and my body is as tight as a top. I’m completely tense, with every muscle contracted, and I hadn’t even realized it until my dentist sincerely checked in, not just once, but every few minutes. At one point, he’s explaining the procedure, and he says the word drill. My whole body flinches at the word DRILLLLLL. Why am I so uptight? I’ve been to the dentist hundreds of times, and in general, am pretty unflappable in an extroverted, dramatic kind of way, except when I walk past the snakes at the zoo.

Why didn’t my body didn’t match up with my brain? The answer was obvious. My body was in full-out defensive mode. Yes, my brain knew this dental procedure was not fun, but everything would be ok. My body was far more skeptical. While I said I was fine, my body disagreed. I wasn’t feeling pain, nor particularly nervous about being at the dentist. But to the other people in the room, I was not ok, but very apprehensive about what might happen.

I find this same series of events happening in the workplace. When anything controversial comes up, people get tense and become super afraid of what might happen. If people are talking, the conversations can be quite tense, accusatory, and fearful. If people are uptight, it is because they are feeling defensive in some way and feeling the need to prepare for an attack.

But what if, instead of getting all uptight like my body in the dentist’s chair, we poke around and ask a few questions? What am I feeling? What else am I feeling? What are you thinking, feeling, fearing, hoping? What are the facts? Have I/we studied this thoroughly? What are we being asked to do right now? Does something hurt, or am I just afraid it might hurt? What is happening right now, and is that really so scary? Am I afraid of conflict? Get in line, everyone is. But the truly scary thing is when people refuse to deal with the issue. That is the sure death for any organization or relationship. Delusions of safety through ensuring things stay the same is our emotional way of tensing up in the dentist’s chair. Safe and same are not safe nor the same. Our bodies and minds work together, but they don’t work the same. If someone is about to throw a punch, your body’s reaction to that is extremely useful because of its defensive reaction, and in fact, will keep you from getting hurt. But when we behave this way with each other, it doesn’t work at all; it causes the very things you fear.

I’m happy when people are talking, no matter how tense. A tense conversation is always better than tense silence, avoidance, or withdrawal. A tense conversation means people are willing to engage and tackle the challenge. Had I not been willing to stay in the dentist chair, the rest of my tooth would have likely crumbled. In the very midst of being tense and uncomfortable, my very ability to recognize my fears allowed progress and even a few laughs post-repair. I wish interpersonal conflicts were as easy as a tooth repair; they aren’t. Still, we can sit up a little straighter, and despite being uncomfortable, tackle that conversation. Anything you want in a relationship is on the other side of a difficult conversation. You can do it!

###