Rejection Therapy and Doughnuts

We don’t have to change the world. Through our effort to stay engaged during conflict, the world will be changed.

As I travel with my communication consulting, there is a YouTube video featuring Jia Jian and Krispy Kreme that I haul around from coast to coast. In order to overcome his fear of personal rejection, Jia Jiang launched a self-imposed 100-day project in which he asked people crazy questions so people would tell him “No.” What kinds of questions? Jia went to Five-Guys and asked for a refill on his burger. “No.” He went to Domino’s Pizza and asked to deliver a pizza. “No.” He asked a stranger to borrow $100. “No.” “Can I plant a flower in your back yard? “No.” He went to FedEx and tried to mail a package to Santa. “No.”

Now, this may strike you as odd, and I guess it is. Trust me, though, and watch the video. You will love it. While it stands on its own just for entertainment value, I use it for customer service, critical thinking, team building, and leadership training. It’s just fun and serves as a great conversation starter.

Jia Jiang has a TED Talk about this very experience. During the presentation, Jia shares his deep-rooted fear of personal rejection, which began with a traumatic school experience at age six that persisted into adulthood. This resonated with me because I see every day how scared people are to talk to each other. Essentially, it’s the same fear. People won’t talk to each other out of fear of personal rejection, and the result of that is most likely avoidance. So avoidance is the defensive behavior used to ward off personal rejection, although it immediately creates more rejection.

During Jia’s TED Talk, he shared a pivotal decision. On day one, when he asked to borrow $100 from a stranger, Jia literally ran away after being told “No.” After day one, Jia changed his mind about his behavior. Jia said, “Tomorrow, no matter what happens, I’m not going to run. I’m going to stay engaged.” That decision changed everything for him, and it will change everything for you, too.

Notice, Jia didn’t decide to have the perfect conversation, follow a specific structure, or achieve a precise outcome. He simply decided to stay engaged in the conversation; he decided to stay in the room. Brilliant! I wish I had said that myself. Oh wait, I do say that ALLLLLLLLL the time. Jia just says it better, and his fear of personal rejection is something we can all understand. It’s so fascinating to study his whole rejection journey and watch his confidence build as his fears subside, even while receiving the “No,” that he’s seeking. If you turned down the volume, you would still see the difference in his nonverbal communication. On day one, he is sweaty and nervous. By day 10, he is smiling and eager. The process simply becomes a learning experience.

After day one, Jia learned his worst fears simply were not the reality, and the fear of his inner six-year-old held way too much power. For me, this is inspiring to think about as I work on my own relationships and try to help people talk to each other. Your worst fears truly are not reality with conversation, even during a conflict. When you stay in the room, stay engaged in conversation with someone, you will communicate the relationship matters to you. This is your ace, especially if you just come right and say exactly that. “This relationship matters to me; you matter to me. I want us to come through this and still be on the same team. Stay in this with me.”

If we are who we say we are, we absolutely must show people how to handle conflict, irritation, personality conflicts, and whatever else makes us want to escape personal rejection. Others are going to see how we treat each other and believe what we show them. Let’s make sure we show others someone who engages despite the risk of personal rejection.

Any rejection we experience pales in comparison to those who are the acknowledged world change agents. Interestingly enough, Jia actually makes this very point during the conclusion of his TED Talk. Jia said, "Violent personal rejection was very much a part of the lives of those who have changed the world: Gandhi, King, Mandela, and Jesus Christ are only a few on the list." The really good news is that we don’t have to change the world. Through our effort to stay engaged during conflict, the world will be changed. You can do it.

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