Fix Your Face; Find the Words

by Amanda Box

Last week, I was traveling to California to speak at an event. I arrived at the airport early to

work on my keynote. I found the perfect spot, a table and outlet close to my gate so I could

keep up with any changes or announcements. While I was busy typing away on my laptop, the

guy sitting next to me began listening to a podcast at double speed with the volume turned up

super-high. I tried my best to ignore it at first, but the sound was just too loud. I think the

double speed was the main trouble-maker; it didn’t blend in and I couldn’t block it out.

Although airports are always noisy, the collective noise isn’t normally distracting to me,

everything just kind of blends together into background noise, not a bunch of competing

sounds. I even tried using my earbuds, but they were not noise-canceling, so they didn't help

either.

My frustrations began to heat up so I decided to try multiple rounds of the glare treatment.

Didn’t this guy know how rude he was being? Glare. Using headphones in an airport is one of

the traveler’s 10 commandments. Glare. Didn’t he notice all the people around him who had

zero interest in the podcast? Glare. Seriously, how was it possible that he could be that

oblivious? Glare. Surprising no one, the glare treatment failed.

Then I looked down at my keynote designed to help people with conflict. Yep, time to practice

what I preach. I considered options for asking him to turn the volume down. It was a simple and

reasonable request. I knew the words to say. I knew what I should sound like. I knew what my

facial expressions should be. Yet I hesitated. But Amanda Box law says, “Work on the conflict or

don’t be mad. Pick one.” So I did.

I fixed my face to be sincerely pleasant and leaned over to get his attention. “Hi, will you please

turn down the volume a notch?” He immediately smiled back, said sure, and apologized

multiple times. The conflict was literally resolved in the three seconds it took for me to ask the

question.

What was all my rage about? Why did I hesitate to make a reasonable request? Why did I waste

time with the glare treatment knowing it had zero chance of working? The humiliating answer

is that all my indignation was based upon a flawed assumption. I assumed that the guy should

have known better. I still think he should have known better. However, he didn’t. How do I

know? Because the second I asked him to turn the volume down, he did so immediately and

sincerely apologized. Clearly, he had no idea.

Anyone relate? Has someone assumed you were causing trouble on purpose? The answer is

most likely yes and it’s not fun.

What about you? Have you ever decided over your morning coffee that you were going to try to

cause as much trouble as possible, especially for any one particular person? “I’m going to give

my best efforts to being as difficult as possible.” No? I didn’t think so. I’ve asked that question

to hundreds of people, and I never get a yes. If you don’t, then neither does anyone else. I

know, I know, you don’t believe me. I’m not saying that people aren’t difficult or that they

shouldn’t know better. They are, and they should. What I’m saying is that it’s much more

efficient to just ask for what you need instead of getting furious when people don’t meet

expectations. As soon as I made my request, everything was over. Granted, this was a simple

situation, but the principle remains true even in the most complicated of scenarios.

Being a peacemaker requires strength and skill as a communicator. If we are going to be

effective peacemakers, we have to be smarter too. We can’t get sucked into fallacies like I did,

that throw us into time-wasting behaviors. Whatever assumptions are holding you back from

being an effective peacemaker, let them go. Fix your face; find the words. The sooner you do

that, the better peacemaker you will be.