Just Ask

Are you going to ask for what you need, or are you going to go face-first into irritation?

Ok humans, listen up. It’s time to stop being mad about what people aren’t doing and ask for what you need. I mean it. I’m like a broken record out here as I’m coaching people through conflict. “Just ask,” I say, over and over.

Client: “She went off on me in the meeting! ”Me: “Did you calmly ask her to stop so you could finish?”

[Crickets]

Client: “He keeps sending these marathon emails. I can’t keep up.

”Me: “Did you ask if you could meet once a week instead?”

[Crickets]

Client: “My employee said he’ll quit if he doesn’t get his way.

”Me: “Did you ask to pause and revisit it once everyone cooled off?”

[Crickets]

People get seriously stumped when I ask these kinds of questions. They look at me like I have three heads. Here’s the truth: Most conflicts don’t occur because people are monsters. They happen because no one’s asking for what they actually need.

Think about it. When things go wrong, people immediately blame the communication dynamics; when things go right, they celebrate the win. This makes sense, right? It also highlights the importance of asking for what you need so you can get to the celebration part. I’m all about more celebrating. Celebrations are important and inspiring. Celebrations have better food and fewer headaches.

But if things aren’t going well, give some thought to what you want so you can articulate it clearly. My experience is that, nine times out of ten, people want similar things. Granted, strategies, behaviors, and communication styles can vary wildly, and these variances can be serious troublemakers. People sincerely have good intentions, but are often irritated by a different approach. They then direct their irritation at the person, instead of recognizing the root of the problem. 

You can easily recognize this situation when you find yourself thinking about what someone else should have done. “She should have known. He should have said____________. I can’t believe they ______________.” Here is the truth: she didn’t know; he didn’t know; they didn’t know. This is the very moment when you have a decision to make. Are you going to ask for what you need, or are you going to go face-first into the irritation?

Asking for what you need is much faster, far less painful, and just plain smarter than wading through all the interpersonal aftermath of getting angry when people don’t meet your expectations: the avoidance, the talking-about, the quitting, the awkwardness…. 

Remember, all we can do is ask. You may get a “no” to a request, and that’s ok. While you can’t control what other people will decide, asking for what you need is mature behavior that will often outsmart the conflict. At the very least, if you make your request known in a calm and credible manner, it becomes a conversation—or even a negotiation—and not some ugly fight, or weird stand-off caused by a warped expectation that other people are mind readers. If I’m not thirsty, I’m probably not going to offer you a drink of water. 

I’ll even get you started with a little coaching. Begin your request with “Will you be willing to….” Simple good manners go a long way. Don’t even think about asking questions that aren't questions. Avoid sarcasm like the passive-aggressive poison that it is. Finally, make sure your nonverbals are non-defensive: slower pace, calm voice, lower volume, pleasant face, and a low word count. 

Ok humans, will you please ask for what you need? You can do it! #UnleashTheAwesome

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