Why Should I Be the One Who?

by Amanda Box

“Why should I be the one who….?”

If I had a dollar for every time I hear this question, I’d be a millionaire. 

“Why should I be the one who initiates a conversation?”

“Why should I be the one who initiates a second, or even third conversation?”

“Why should I be the one who decides what should happen?”

“Why should I be the one who is being blamed?”

“Why should I be the one to work on a solution?”

“Why should I be the peacemaker?”

“Why should I be the one who shows this person grace?”

“Why should I have to work on changing my behavior?”

“Why should I have to think about my own contributions?”

“Why should I ask for what I need again and again?”

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. I hear the same question too much, which might explain why I’m working with so many clients dealing with conflict. 

“Why should I be the one who initiates a conversation?”

Because you are the one who is mad.

“Why should I be the one who initiates a second, or even third conversation?”

Because there is no resolution.

“Why should I be the one who decides what should happen?”

Because you are affected the most and need to be assertive about the outcome.

“Why should I be the one who is being blamed?”

Because blame isn’t the only thing that needs to be addressed and everyone has contributed to this situation.

“Why should I be the one to work on a solution?”

Because if you don’t, who will?

“Why should I be the peacemaker?”

Because after one conversation with me, you are more educated that 99.9% of the population in conflict management.

“Why should I be the one who shows this person grace?”

Because you made mistakes too. 

“Why should I have to work on changing my behavior?”

Because if you are asking that question, you have some maturing to do.

“Why should I have to think about my own contributions?”

Because humility is the game changer, the catalyst for others to listen.

“Why should I ask for what I need again and again?”

Because it’s going to get worse if you don’t.

Amanda Box law: you can either work on the conflict or get over it. Pick one. There is nothing more draining or unproductive than being mad and NOT working on the conflict. 

Whenever I hear the word “should,” an alarm goes off in my head. If someone is using that word, it means that something significant is NOT happening, essentially causing the conflict. Take note, the offending party has their own should list. If both parties are hanging out in the “Why should I have to…” world, your relationship is in big trouble. Surely the relationship means more to you than being right about what someone should have done.

I mean, I get it, and maybe you are correct. I’m fairly comfortable agreeing with your assessment of what they should have done. 

But, if they didn’t, then there is a reason for that and I’m just going to say it. It’s not showing someone grace to work out your own conflict. The faster you can get past the should list, the faster you will find a way to work things out, get past the difficulty, and move on to better days.

It’s completely doable, although a bit uncomfortable. The brief time of lost comfort pales in comparison to the growth and understanding that will occur after working through a conflict, preserving the relationship, and simple efficiency of outsmarting the should list.